Inspirational thought of the week:
Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends
Ring out the bells again
Like we did when spring began
Wake me up when September ends
— “Wake Me Up When September Ends,” Green Day
Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located somewhere within the time-space portals created by the Dr. Strange sling ring that Jesse Palmer wears to broadcast football games on Saturdays while also hosting 47 reality shows during the week, we are ready for October. Why? So many reasons.
I love the cool, crisp air and not having to use WD-40 and a paint scraper to get my underwear off on Saturday afternoons following another morning co-hosting “Marty & McGee” in the September heat of Gainesville or Baton Rouge.
I love drinks laced with caramel and apple, almost as much as I despise drinks — not to mention donuts, cereal, M&Ms, beer, yogurt, butter, bread and hummus — that are packed with a Biff Poggi-sized portion of pumpkin spice.
But most of all, the most aesthetically pleasing part of this time of year is the name itself. Not Autumn. That was the name of the girl from my worst college date, and that’s an extensive list. No, the moniker that makes us smile is the one that is also the most apropos for the autumnal time of year and also the verb that best applies to any description of our Bottom 10 teams.
Fall.
With apologies to Iowa State D-lineman Domonique Orange, Arizona State DB Adama Fall, Ryan Leaf and Steve Harvey, here’s the post-Week 5 Bottom 10 rankings.
There are now only three winless FBS teams and this is the only program in the land with five losses. On Saturday, the Golden(plated) Flashes fell at home to the Eastern Michigan University Emus, 52-33. Now, after a week off, they will host the Week 7 Pillow Fight of the Week, welcoming Baller State and its current 1-3 record, but according to the mystically and somewhat spookily accurate ESPN Analytics machine, there is a 73.4% chance the Cardinals will be 1-4 after hosting Western Not Eastern Michigan this weekend.
The New Money Owls are in their first season of FBS ball, but last weekend felt like old times, losing to UT Martin of the FCS 24-13. Their nickname is the Skyhawks, with a mascot named Captain Skyhawk, who wears a helmet and goggles, and looks exactly like a bird who went full Tony Stark and got himself some tech that could shoot down an owl.
The Minors failed to cover the spread against the Fightin’ Byes of Open Date U., but in their defense, it was one of those fitted sheets and anyone who properly covers that spread without trouble has to have either an engineering degree or rubber arms.
The Other Aggies lost to archrival Whew Mexico, which occupied this very spot one week ago, so it was an easy swap. Speaking of swaps, sources are telling Bottom 10 JortsCenter that New Mexico State representatives left their Rio Grande Rivalry loss and went straight to El Paso to try to block the door as UTEP officials met to discuss their move from Conference USA to the Mountain West, reminding them that such a move would deny Earth future Pillow Fights of the Century like the one between them over Thanksgiving weekend. UTEP made the move anyway. And waiting for them? Whew Mexico.
To be clear, this isn’t Miami Hurricanes football or Tulsa Golden Hurricane football. No, this Coveted Fifth Spot is reserved for the schools that decided to play ball in the face of Helene. As of Tuesday evening, more than 700,000 South Carolinians were still without power, water or both, yet Sandlapper State schools Clemson and The Citadel decided to stick with their Saturday kickoff plans. Clemson went with a reasoning of “it’s homecoming and the region needs the distraction.”
Meanwhile, The Citadel forced East Tennessee State to endure a 328-mile trip through the heart of the storm that was unsafe by any measure, stranded by the side of the increasingly flooded highways for 12 hours. Why? Because the Bulldogs told the Bucs and the Southern Conference they couldn’t move the game to Sunday because it was parents’ weekend and they had “scheduling conflicts.” Using The Citadel’s reasoning, maybe that’s how the thousands of people who live near East Tennessee State will explain away their losses. It’s because Mother Nature had a scheduling conflict. BTW, final score: ETSU 34, Citadel 17.
The Zips dropped their #MACtion opener 30-10 to the Bobcats of Ohio. In related news, when I was in middle school, I got in trouble with my parents for watching a Cinemax After Dark movie titled “The Bobcats of Ohio.”
The Minutemen, who aren’t in the MAC until next season, lost to My Hammy of Ohio, which marked their fourth game and fourth loss to a MAC team. This week they play — quelle surprise! — Northern Illinois, which, as Notre Dame doesn’t want you to remember, is also in the MAC, but who we totally remembered is in the MAC the weekend after they beat the Irish, when they lost to Buffalo, which is also in the MAC. And now, after writing all that, I totally want some mac and cheese. Instead, I’m getting …
The O.G. Bottom 10 Owls have returned to these rankings with their big 360-degree eyeballs pointed directly at Kennesaw with a night vision focus on struggling Strigiformes supremacy. They landed on this branch after failing to get their talons on the team that previously occupied this spot, the Artists Now Known As The Charlotte 2-and-3ers.
The Other Other Aggies are probably feeling out of sorts about being 1-3 at the same time they are joining the 2-Pac resurrection. But hey, they have one more football victory than Gonzaga!
So, this weekend at the game that used to rule the ACC, will there be a brunch for the lawyers that Clemson and FSU have hired to help them sue that same ACC? If so, a heads-up to the Noles’ legal eagles: Those Clemson guys won’t be canceling, even if you have to climb over fallen trees and powerlines to get there.
Waiting list: Fa-La-La-La-La La-La-La-Tech, Temple of Doom, Baller State, Southern Missed, the Return of the Nayhawks, Muddled Tennessee State, Troy Bolton State, celebrating too early.